Speaking to a group of bereaved parents at an audience in Rome last March, the late Pope Francis said, “The loss of a child is an experience that defies theoretical descriptions and rejects the triviality of religious or sentimental words, of sterile encouragements or phrases of circumstance.”
He added, “Pain, especially when it is so deep and devoid of explanations, needs to cling to the thread of a prayer that cries out to God, day and night, not attempting to resolve the drama but to dwell on questions that always return.”
Questions
A question many parents who lose a child ask is, “God, where are you?”
There are no answers. Platitudes such as, “God walks beside you”, or, “it is God’s will”, are of little help to a family broken by the death of a child.
Feelings of abandonment, despair, and betrayal seem a natural response to a cut so deep.
So, how do we support parents who are grieving?
Ways to cope
Pieta Singapore was formed in 2016 to support parents who suffer the loss of their child. My daughter, Ning, died 25 years ago from acute viral encephalitis. I have since met other parents who walk a similar path, suffering the loss of their children – from those unborn to grown adults
Circumstances of death differ, and sometimes, the loss happened long ago. But always, the hurt remains, and parents seek ways to cope while keeping the faith.
Coping strategies read like a playlist of practical “solutions”, but one should not underestimate the need for a systematic approach to coping with loss. There is no right way to grieve, but there are healthy ways.
Having a support team whom you trust—a spouse, friend, or counsellor—can help with seeing to your daily rest and nourishment and to keep you safe.
New routines keep you balanced as you manage the torrent of confusing emotions each day.
Walks in the park and exercise are beneficial, but if being sociable is uncomfortable, you can indulge in private activities like journaling and reading which can also soothe the wounds of loss.
In our Pieta support sessions, the approach runs deeper. At its core, we try to make visible God’s quiet presence and to encourage parents to lean into, and not away, from God’s embrace.
This seems counter-intuitive, but using Scripture, prayer, and reflection, we can discern where we are in our grief and meet God there.
Every year, Pieta Singapore also holds a Memorial Mass to pray for the souls of children who have died and to unite bereaved parents in faith and hope.
Psalm 34:18 reminds us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”.
To the newly-bereaved, this may seem far from the truth, but the message is clear – God offers no answers but instead gives us comfort, consolation, and hope to live fully again one day.
Mary, our Mother
Mary, who herself lost her child, is an example of complete surrender and trust in God. Without seeking answers, she shows us how to hold on and restore the disconnect we may have with God.
The grief-to-healing journey is a winding road and requires patience. The longing for our departed children will never disappear, but it is possible to grow past the sorrow to find peace.
If someone were to ask me where God was when Ning died, I would say He was in the people around me, especially those who had themselves lost a child and helped me navigate the dark, uneven path before me.
I could not feel His presence then, but I know now He was always there.
Valerie Lim is a co-founder of Pieta Singapore, an affiliate of Catholic Family Life. To find out more about Pieta’s 2025 Memorial Mass, visit pieta.familylife.sg
Source: Catholic News
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